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  • Writer's pictureSharlotte Bouniol

How to Deal with Anger?

"The world has enough women who live in masked insecurity. It needs more women who live in brave vulnerability."

-Ann Voskamp

I recently found myself dealing with anger and suddenly not knowing how to express it. Mainly because I had embraced a more feminine side and was committed to showing up in the world softer. Sooooo anger most definitely doesn’t even seem to go with being feminine.

And then I thought maybe that is why so many of us feel numb, feel depressed, cry and really just push through. Maybe just like men aren’t supposed to be sad, women aren’t supposed to be angry.


I once heard that depression is sometimes anger unexpressed turned inward. Not sure if that is true and not negating the true mental illness of depression but it made me think.


Let me just say that I spent a long time being angry, the kind of anger that always is at the surface. Always being expressed physically and none of it actually HELPING me. I threw things, even hit my children when they were younger in anger, and flipped out easily. I once had someone I was dating tell me “Just what the hell are you so angry about?”


Then a few decades of antidepressants seemed to take that anger away and replace it with numbness.


Only when I was diagnosed with cancer did I begin to confront the resentment and anger I had within me. I happened to do a Yoga infomercial and was introduced to meditation. I also began using a life coach. But I never embraced my feminine side. I actually believed working in my masculine energy was the only way to get stuff done. So I hustled, worked hard, and achieved never once feeling like it didn’t suit me. I viewed rest, grace, and empathy as things weak people did.


And then the pandemic happened, life happened and suddenly you know how you have a machine that doesn’t work and you unplug it and plug it in, you bang it on the top and it still doesn’t work? Yup, that was me. I realized in the slower-paced life that my nervous system desperately needed to stop. I stopped so much that I realized I wanted to be divorced, I didn’t want to live in NJ and uprooted everyone here to Florida. In my house, I did a lot of healing, which sometimes looks like sitting on the sofa watching copious amounts of Law and Order SVU.

After enough sitting I embraced Barre exercise. I found myself opening emotions like love, empathy, and grace. I also started for the first time to feel joy and this silliness and playful side of me. It actually made me feel like the young girl I once was and started to lead me into discovering new parts of myself that I actually liked. Maybe part of the reason I struggled so much with self-love was that I wasn’t even being myself….deep huh?


Don’t forget since everything is on a continuum I also found myself dealing with immense sadness from my divorce. So I boo-hooed and cried a lot. But the good news was I did cry because my previous life was always feeling that crying was weak so score one for the new feminine side to me.


What most people don’t realize is anger will rear its head AND it’s almost always a secondary emotion to sadness. And since I had so much practice in my masculine side it was easier to let the anger come out rather than continuing to deal with the sadness and grief I was obviously still working through. I find in moments of stress and challenge my body and mind want to revert back into the girl who hustled but my SOUL knows that's not the path anymore.


So how do you deal with anger in a feminine way? See it for what it is… letting you know there is a problem to solve. The feminine part of it?? Doing the work to uncover the PROBLEM not just blow up and be angry. Just like pursuing feminine actions like barre workouts and meditation helped me feel a greater sense of joy I knew it was a way to open up with my anger and allow it to transmute. YES, there is no getting rid of emotions. We transmute them into other things. For me believe it or not, showing up on social media and sharing this vulnerable side of me helps me deal with anger. As I have written this whole piece, I can feel the tension in my body subside.


Allow yourself to see what is under that anger…is it hurt, resentment, or maybe even the inability to tell your side of the story. I have found that journaling and getting OUT everything is the best way to let that anger out. No one needs to read your inner thoughts and I have found pen in hand is a great truth-teller.


Express yourself with physical activity maybe it's a run, maybe a boxing class, perhaps even yoga. For some reason, I have felt a nagging to just go and run as long as I needed to or sprints on my bike.


Meditation will forever be my choice to allow my brain to deal with some heavy emotions subconsciously. I love apps like Insight because they have guided meditations to help you deal with heavy topics.


I hope after reading this just that fact that someone feels the way you feel makes you feel seen and heard. As always I remain committed to a growth journey and devoted to doing it right before your eyes.



Stay soft,

Kim

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